Just Crazy Enough pt.2

6/1/10

Some days I can look back on 2010 so far and think, "Wow, I have grown so much! I knew I wanted this to be a year of change and exploration, and that's exactly what I got!" and other times, sitting on the train now, for example, I can look back in shame and cry about all the stupid shit I've done in the name of personal growth and exploration. I wanted to have all kinds of adventures, I wanted to take up any challenge thrown in my path, and I wanted to join in all the fun that everyone else seemed to be enjoying. Is that too much to ask of a single year? I got it, though. I got adventures and challenges and I have faced them with my head held high. Of course, I never expected to face the drama that came with them. I never was any good at planning ahead, considering the consequences or thinking before I acted.
On the rare occasions I do think about how my actions could affect myself or those around me, I tend to overestimate my ability to cope with the repercussions. My mantra seems to have unwittingly become "I'm a big girl now, I can take care of myself" and for the most part, I can. When I met the boy I gave my virginity to, I knew he wasn't good for me. He left is girlfriend to be my fuck buddy, even though I told him (and myself) that it was a rule of mine to never get involved with a man who would do that. What's to say he wouldn't turn around and do the same to me when he got bored? He totally did, by the way, which is why we are no longer together. Everyone told me it was a terrible idea, that he would get bored and leave once he had had his fill of me, but I told them I understood exactly what was going on and I would be able to walk away at any time. THAT'S SO NOT HOW IT HAPPENED! I had to go and be a "girl" and develop "feelings" which were quickly torn up and stomped on because he developed a "conscience". He's still adamant that that's not how it was, but I've forgiven him. It got messy for a while after the initial 'break-up' of sorts because I unleashed my crazy and made some stupid decisions, but we are back on friendly speaking terms, we just don't hang out nearly as much. Or fuck. We don't fuck anymore, which is probably what I miss the most.
Sex made me crazy.