Here we go again

These random bursts of anger/depression need to stop. I'm beginning to think there's something (new) wrong with me.


I woke up real late this morning because I spent the night at Rachel's. Last night was her birthday party, so a few friends gathered at her new apartment for drinks and shenanigans, and as usual it was a lot of fun! When we eventually got up today she made me macaweenie for breakfast, followed by mint chocolate chip ice cream... You can see why I'm struggling with this diet thing.
After Rachel dropped me back home, I changed out of my cute dress from the night before (which I had slept in) and into something a little more appropriate for walking to the store. I only really went to get some of that amazing orange pineapple peach juice I love so much, but ended up in the vitamin aisle again. I hate buying diet pills at the store, I feel like people are judging me as I kneel by the shelves to compare shiny promises of a flatter tummy and a smaller ass, or as I approach the counter with my latest finds. I don't know if I feel worse when I see the woman with her basket full of junk food eye me up like I'm a bitch for rubbing it in that I'm half her size and still unhappy, or the skinny chick who looks at me with disgust because I'm twice her size and could use all the help I can get. Either way I leave the store disgusted with myself. I usually get home wanting to down an entire pint or two of ice cream for comfort because it would make me feel better for a short period of time, but I'd hate myself even more in the long run.
Today I opted for a healthier dietary supplement. No 'miracle' or crazy crash dieting, thanks. This time I picked up a bottle of SlimQuick™ Ultra Fat Burner caplets, because it's a brand designed to address the six main issues women have when trying to lose weight. It was made for women by specialists that understand that women generally have a harder time trying to lose weight, so they came up with these awesome little pills to help a girl out. They also have a great website where I can track my exercises and meals and work toward my goal, as well as give and receive support from other women online! My fingers are actually crossed this time.

Defeat was not an option...

... But apparently no one told him that. Now as my punishment for losing, I have to do whatever he says for three days. THREE DAYS. I don't know what he's going to make me do, but it's going to be interesting. It's not that I don't trust him, of course I do, I just have no idea what is in store for me. It could be terrifying... Or it could be wonderful...
Here's hoping for the latter!


Anyway, after stuffing my face both on and off stage yesterday, apparently I thought it would be a good idea to go to a friend's house and celebrate another friend's birthday with copious amounts of alcohol. At least no one could say I drank on an empty stomach this time, right?
My body did not love me today. After sneaking out this morning in hopes that fresh air and light exercise would help ease the knot in my stomach (it didn't, it only got worse as I walked home), I spent the entire day sprawled across the couch. Food helped a little bit, but not much. I'm still feeling a little off, but I'm about to crawl into bed so hopefully I'll be bright and shiny in the morning! I just hope it's not a bug. I don't think it's a hangover because it doesn't feel like the one I had the last time I drank at this same friend's house... That was an interesting night. Or at least I'm sure it would be if I could remember it.

Trek in the Park

Trek in the Park today with Rachel in NE Portland! I'm gonna wear my red Expendable t-shirt, at least at this show people will get the reference!


It has come to my attention that far too many of the people I associate with are Star Trek fans for me to NOT watch the damn thing, so I guess I'm just going to have to start. I used to watch it when I was younger, and I know I've seen most if not every episode of Enterprise, so I'm not a TOTAL n00b, but I'm still fairly unfamiliar with the majority of the series. I guess it's time to fix that!

The Hollywood 48-Hour Miracle Diet™: Day Two

I waited an extra day to post my results:
I gained four pounds.

The Hollywood 48-Hour Miracle Diet™: Day One

Wandering the aisles of Rite Aide, I've been known to stop in the health/fitness section on occasion and gaze longingly at the trim, beautiful bodies of the women advertising the diet supplements and appetite suppressors. As a young, impressionable and insecure teenage girl (thank you, Jon Lajoie for that embarrassingly accurate description. I love you) I have always been intrigued by the allure of so-called "miracle diets" or well, any diet that promises to shed pounds off my ass and boost my confidence in a bikini, but I've never seriously tried one because while I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, I'm smart enough to know bullshit when I see it. Plus, just because they put "results based on sensible diet and exercise" really tiny on the bottom of the box doesn't mean no one catches on that it's not really that much of a miracle if you end up losing weight doing what any other person would be to achieve the same goal. Today however, I gave in to my curiosity and picked up a bottle of the Hollywood 48-Hour Miracle Diet™ because I had to see for myself if I could really lose "up to 10 pounds in just 48 hours!" or whatever gimmick they're selling to make a profit off of women with little to no self esteem. The best bit is that the disclaimer on the bottom of this bottle is a little different in stating, "Weight loss based on fasting and moderate exercise. Individual results may vary." It also says a little ways above that, "IMPORTANT: For best results do not consume food, alcohol, caffeine or tobacco while on the Hollywood 48-Hour Miracle Diet™" FASTING. Wait, so if I do this, I'm losing weight because I'm not eating? Funny, that.

Anyway, I decided to give this stupid thing a go. I'll post this now because I started today, and I'll probably post again the day after tomorrow or whenever I am officially done. Worst case scenario: I've lost $21 on a stupid gimmick that I already hated. Best case scenario: I lose ten pounds and kick-start the weight loss that should have been happening with my current diet/exercise program (which slowed down or stopped all together for some reason after last week. I haven't lost a pound since). I'm following the instructions carefully: "Day one - 4 oz. HMD™ mixed with 4 oz. water, sip for 4 hours. Repeat three times. Day two - Same. Also, drink 8 glasses of water each day." So... I'm drinking watery fruit juice concentrate that tastes like medicine, and drinking the recommended daily amount of water that i should be drinking anyway? Yeah, I spent $21 on this bullshit. To keep me motivated, however, I drew a little sunshiney smiley face on my first glass of Hollywood gimmick. He's all optimistic and shit:


Boy says it's just an expensive laxative, which may very well be true. Bless your heart, sweet Boy. I love you for looking after me. I know you care, but I'll be fine. You can rub in all the I Told You So's you want in about 43 hours from now! Who knows, maybe I'll be saying it to you? Yeah, right.

Just Crazy Enough pt.3

Okay, so maybe sex hasn't had an entirely negative impact on my life. Yes, some of my decisions in that department have resulted in my own pain, but Tuesday as I walked into town in search of a sexy little number it struck me that while I may have suffered a significant blow to my self esteem after a foolish fling (apparently two years my junior is far too young and far too immature for me), I have also noticed a significant improvement in other areas.
I've had body issues for as long as I can remember. For years I told myself and others that I didn't, and that anyone that did was foolish for not just loving themselves, because I was born into a world where it's never good enough to just come as you are. These issues have grown in the last year or so, and I'm becoming more and more aware that I cannot hide from them forever.
In a strange twist, intimacy has helped me to become more comfortable with other people. For example, just last weekend I found myself pants-less in a friend's apartment (nothing sexual, they were in the dryer and we were playing Mario Kart) and I thought it was funny how easy it was to forget about it and enjoy what we were doing, considering last year I would never have been able to do that. It's not that I'm any more comfortable with my body now than I was then, I just seem to find it easier not to worry about it.

I am woman, hear me roar

Damn I'm good. I am simultaneously working out, cleaning my room and looking for a new job. And nursing a killer headache. And blogging about it.

Multi-tasking. It's what women do, right? If I had a boyfriend, I'd be making him a sandwich, too. Ooh, see what I did there? It's funny because it's sexist, assuming that a woman's proper place is in the kitchen!

Anyway, I've had this headache for the past three or four hours now and I just can't seem to shake it. I've taken more than the recommended dosage of Ibuprofen, so I'll give it another hour and if it's still bothering me I'll see if I can't find some Acetaminophen as well.

I don't want to find a new job, but the one I have doesn't pay very well, especially since they cut the hostesses' hours, and it's a pain in the ass to catch the train all the way out there and back. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, and the people I work with, but minimum wage for about 4-10 hours a week is never going to buy me a plane ticket, afford a flat in Bath/Bristol (still undecided) and pay my tuition next year. I'll miss the Venetian, but I'd be back for their delicious chicken pot pie soup. And possibly Bag & Baggage work, but mainly the soup.
Anyway, before I start drooling about soup, I am applying for a couple of jobs closer to home, like Borders, Blockbuster, and Pet Smart, all of which are within walking distance of my house. This way I'm not spending money on the train or bus every day. I really hope I get a job at Borders! It's one of my favorite stores. I love to go in and just browse the bookshelves for hours and hours. I spend far too much money in there when I do, though... A lot of the time on Doctor Who or zombie apocalypse materials! I can nerd out in there and no one can judge me. And when I find something really good, I love to sit in the Seattle's Best inside and read with a giant chai latte. Mmmm...

What was I saying?